When satire meets reality: fictional responses that hit a little too close to home.
President Trump, everyone knows that government corruption is at an all time high, how do you plan to address it?
Look, corruption is a huge problem, maybe the biggest problem we have. That’s why my team – tremendous people, the best – worked night and day to eliminate these oversight boards. Very inefficient boards, terrible really. We’re saving so much money by removing all this wasteful transparency reporting. No more corruption investigations means no more corruption. Simple. Beautiful.
Mr. Musk, are you worried that we will either colonize Mars or die off?
Not at all. I’m actively pursuing both scenarios with equal enthusiasm. My Mars program will save humanity, and my other ventures are ensuring we’ll definitely need saving. It’s just efficient resource allocation.
President Trump, how do you plan to address concerns of DEI initiatives?
Look, these DEI programs, they’re very complicated, nobody understands them. We’re simplifying everything – now we just have one criterion: loyalty to me. My cabinet? Perfect example. All incredibly loyal, no disagreements ever. They even finish my sentences sometimes, because they know exactly what I’m thinking. Pure talent, unfiltered by years of so-called “expertise.” It’s beautiful.
Mr. Kennedy, how do you respond to criticism about promoting unconventional health theories?
It’s simple statistics. If you propose enough alternative theories, one of them has to be right eventually. And when that happens, it retroactively validates all the others. That’s just science. The fact that the entire medical establishment disagrees just proves I’m on the right track.
Mr. Patel, as FBI Director, how will you ensure institutional independence?
We’re redefining independence to make it more efficient. Instead of wasting resources on investigations that might make certain people look bad, we’ll pre-clear all investigations with those being investigated. It’s a streamlined process – they just tell us what we should find, and we find it.
Vice President Vance, how do you respond to concerns about threats to democratic institutions?
Look, if your democracy can be swayed by foreign advertising, that’s weakness. But if it can be reshaped by American billionaires controlling your information diet – well, that’s just freedom. The market has naturally selected which truths should prevail. And if some of those truths happen to align perfectly with their business interests, that’s just what our founding fathers would have wanted.
